Why would you love me ? (I give up)
"I am not trying to ruin your fun"
This is more like a rant than advice
I am Animish A. Sharma, I am a 2nd year university student. My life has not been all daisy and everything. I have had my fair share of problems which I dealt with very nicely. But my question with every one of people out there is why would you love me ? I am not the best son, not the best brother, not the best partner, not the best friend. I am just me, I am an ambitious, extremely flawed, egoistic human being with god complex. What makes me so special ? Is it my face ? My personality ? My hair ? The question I have is Why me?. I have always prioritized my family, and my problems over me. Why would you love me ? What did do to deserve that ? Do I really need love ? I do not think so.
A lot of people see love (love as in romantic love) as a basic need where I see it as a way to get hurt again, have I not met the right person ? Why does it make me feel so worthless after all this ? Did I never loved my partners enough ? Why does it end in the worst way possible ? I get everything, the emotions, the ambition, the vision, the future. I am bad at expressing my emotions, I am bad at dealing with anger. I am bad at communicating with people I love. I am bad at being a good partner. So why would you love someone like me ? Was it all a lie to you ?
Although, I give up, give up on the feeling of wanting to be loved, wanting to be feel understood, wanting to be enough for someone. So yeah, I give up. I give up on love. I have to improve a lot. I have to better for myself, my family and for my future partner. Past few months have taught me a lot, a lot about me, a lot of people, how the most evil people are the usually the ones who look the most beautiful. But they have also taught me my flaws. So I need to be a better person than who I am. I have to be someone of who the people I love can be proud of but for the time being, I give up. I give up on the idea of being loved, I give up on the idea of wanting love, waiting for love. If there is someone out there for me, they will reach out or if there is some plan that God have for me then he will make me meet them.
You know the great love story, the classics. No kissing, no kisses at all. Nothing at all, very pure. Feelings unspoken are unforgettable.
My perception of myself, my perception of love, my perception of people have been changed a lot in these last few months. I have reached a point where it all seems pointless. Why would anyone hurt people on purpose ? Just to get feel good about themselves ? I don't get it. How can someone be okay with hurting someone just for the benefit of themselves. I am genuinely out of words which is funny because I was always the one who wanted one last conversation before it all went downhill but I am starting to realize that it will change nothing. I wish them the best. I hope they get everything they have wanted in their life. I forgive them for my own sake. Whatever they have done, I hope they are happy with their decisions and their life, they won't have to deal with an inconvenience like me ever again and yes you did hurt me, a lot. I cried and cried and cried but after every night there comes a day. A new day where we can forgive them and ourselves and continue our life as a bigger person. How should I take revenge on someone when I thought of their mother as my own ? I miss the girl I met and I love her a lot. I love you, thank you for the time together, thank you for showing me what love is, thank you for making me feel great and thank you for trying for this (for me) if God wants us to meet again he will make sure we meet again but I won't wait this time, not this time, I will hate you for the rest of my life. I am sorry.
I wanted to cry out, to ask her not to go. But what right had I to hold her back when her happiness lay in another's arms ?
839 days 18 hours and 12 minutes.
With love,
Animish Sharma. (AS)